let me be selfish for a moment..just for this certain entry, please forgive me...(whoever is caring enough to read this..)let me be in the melancholic mode....and let me soak into it just for a moment...the last time I cried hard was when my best friend died due to a car accident years ago. It was the most tragedic part of my life as of now. Until now I can still remember the pain and agony that I was feeling at that time. Recalling the moment when everybody was silent, I was thinking it was only a joke. I was thinking that it was a surprise gift for me, because he died three days before my birthday. I was revising the fact that he was gone, because I felt the pulse of his heart, even though his body was as cold as snow. As of this writing, I am in tears deep within the soul. Why just deep down? Because, I cannot cry my heart out. Makikita nila na umiiyak ako... I never cried sa school. So just have to keep it silent. If you can imagine the roaring of the seas on a stormy night, that is what I am feeling. The sad part is, I am still lingering to the fear of loving someone and loosing him in an instant. I hate it, I just hate it.I remembered the words I told his mom during the first night of his wake, "tita, dito lang ako..kaya nyo po yan.." I can't remember how many bucket of tears I filled that night. I promised myself to continue with my life and forget him already. Which I really did cope with all these times. but now, i cannot take it anymore. I MISS HIM BADLY....I really do..I wanted to hold his hand tight, weep on his shoulders and let his hand wipe away the tears away from my cheeks. The only one who can tolerate all my childish acts and giggles, and the only one who can laugh louder than me..it has always been him...whoe, I miss him..Right now, all I can remember is his face and eyes...I really want to cry...but I cannot...If I would be given a day to spend with him, I would wish to return the old days..but it is only a big big IF, never to happen...even in a million years..I should have not allowed him to go out late that night,, if I did not said yes, he would have been here, right now...Why until now, I cannot let him go?...Is there something in him that I continue to linger on??but I think, it is time...I think I should really release it all right now...I can't go to the U.S to visit you in the columbarium, so I will just say it here...Josh, I love and miss you so much. Kung pwede lang, di na talaga ako maghahanap nang iba para lang sa'yo. Kaya lang wala ka na rito. Pero kasi, akala ko magagawa ko yun. But I really have to bid goodbye. Kasi as long as I am still devoted to you, I cannot move on with my life. I have to face the fact that you are certainly gone from my physical sight. Bye-bye best friend. I may sound mushy, but for the last time, I will be saying the words I said on the phone the night he died, "josh, i love you..."
