Chaotic Whisperer: August 2007

“Remember Oh God, all that I have done, and bless me for it…”
-Nehemiah

Hey, I am here again.. it’s been quite a long time since the last time I made a post in my site..well, what can I say? I feel really awkward these past few weeks, and if you are asking me…even I can’t explain it. Sige, like before, random thoughts ulit tau…

why is the quote, “the more things change, the more they stay the same,” seem like true to me na?
look, I have let go na…but hey, sabi ko nga sa recent post ko, I am still a human, and am still in-love with the same person. Together with that letting go process is the acceptance that there might never be a ‘vera p____l’ occurance, no more sweet nothings, no more early morning conversations, no more talk until you drop phone calls, and no more 6-footer protecting me, ever again (I hope not…). For, I think about a month or so, I really cried my eyeballs out, ung feeling na parang wala ng bukas para umiyak. Then, numerous of restless and sleepless nights came haunting me down. I really need to be very discreet in crying, in those days, coz my family might hear me, and I don’t want to be any kind of burden to them. I love them enough not to tell them that me and that guy’s days are all over. Until now, they are asking me wha’t up and what’s down regarding us. I just swallow and answer the safest that I can think, “uhm, okay naman po lahat mama…” pero ang totoo, hindi talaga okay coz there’s something wrong all along…

the more they stay the same,,,,shocks ang hirap pala talaga i-explain, but I hope you can get my point…:
In the month of mending and restoring, through God’s healing mighty power, I really had a tough time accepting everything—it’s basically like a culture shock for me. Cause, that was the first time, I really fell in-love with a Christian guy, then malalaman ko sa huli, kapareho lang siya nuing ibang guys jan. wala parin talagang kwenta ang lahat. Sige, nako lumalayo na ako sa point…balik tau ulit…pag let go ko, sumasaya na ako ulit. Then almost a month na ngayon, weekly he is texting and calling me again. But this time, I was not filled with joy in the occurrence. Fear ----that is what I am feeling now. Fear of failing again, fear of giving a piece of my heart away by hoping that he would love me again. It really seems like a big deal to me! Four straight weeks he is asking me to accompany him to my home church. Before kasi, talagang I was inviting him sa church, but he never was interested in going there naman. Tapus ngaun, parang nag-i-initiate pa siya na samahan ko siya sa church. It’s a good motive naman, kaya lang…it does still hurts! Just imagine with me, the fresh wound that was stitched by God’s hand is now being threatened to be unstitched because of that person’s doing.

And I have noticed that he is really doing ways to talk to me, like just for an instance----he texted me if I had hillsong dvds…if he could borrow one…eh we have common guy friends that are much more avid hillsong-nians than me noh…why borrow from me.

Isa pa, his teammate, Erwin ‘wency’ cornejo is my classmate in Mechanics, once we crossed paths sa canteen, and he just said awkwardly that “ui, hinahanap ka ni wency,” bigla ko nalang nasabi, “ah talaga..” then walked away. When I saw wency, sabi nya He was not looking for me naman daw.

Ano ba talaga ung taong yon? Ano bang gusto niyang mangyari,,,you know for three straight weeks, I really gave him reasons para lang hindi siya masamahan sa church….AYOKO na ulit masaktan…

I am so afraid, afraid of the unknown-----the unknown feelings he still possesses for me, until now. Time and my feelings are changing—but it seems like, as long as he is still around, clinging to me again, grasping onto my feet for a hold---everything stays the same…all the bitter and sweet memories..sometimes, I really hate reminiscing it once again.

It’s awkward to feel this way; I hope this would be over….coz the more I ponder about it…the more frightened I am becoming of being loved and left, after he says: “I AM DONE WITH YOU….”

I am still being a good and nice friend, but I hope one day—with all my might I could ask him, WHY he left, why he can’t wait, and why is he back…..

I am praying that he would try to compare me to his girl now, and say that: “si dotha hindi ganito mag-isip, namimiss ko siya kasi marami siyang nagagawa para sakin na hindi kayang gawin ni Jamie,,,sana hindi ko nalang iniwan si dotha…ang bait pa din niya, kahit madalas eh hindi ko siya iniintindi...pasensyosa siya, di katulad ni Jamie...”

Thy will be done Lord, don’t let me be bitter to guys again….

what runs through my mind now...
Hmmmmmm,
let me see....

since this morning, the rain hasn't stop pouring down, and seems like it will still continue for a couple of days.
that so-called chedeng chorva is calling his tagmate dudong or dodong, and it was said to be here in the Philippine area of responsibility tomorrow.
the good thing about it, there will be no classes in ALL levels! It alarms me to wake up as late as 1 in the afternoon..but the sad part about it--my body wakes up at 5 a.m, whether with or without the cooperation of my brain.
So what's the big deal? I really wanted to still sleep but my body says that it's time to get up and do something...as if its ticking the sound alarm telling me to get up lazy bum. (hey, I am not a bum! I am just trying to rest for a while,,amp :p) It is not all the time that there are seasons like these, so might as well get the most out of it---SLEEP until sundown(exag)
***
well, you see, I am still human--and I confess that I am still in-love with the same man I have been praying for quiet a long time now. The Lord answered my prayer, because I requested not to see him for a long time..It was only yesterday that I saw him. I have realized one thing in the process..that I am still young to think about chorva stuffs. And I think the 'kilig' factor stage is what satisfies me, not the deep intimate commitment or whatsoever you want to call it.
The fact that I saw him yesterday was already a blessing to me, and it put an end to a 4-week dry spell :p Right now, the encounter still stays fresh in my memory. As if it’s continuously playing in my real or media player. (it would be better if next time I’ll try to keep even the exact words in the scenario!) It’s not all the time that I can come across someone so stupid as that big guy. Yes, you read it right, I did call him stupid—stupid in the sense that he fell for me even though he knew the detours and caution sign that I am determined to have no commitment to any guy until the day I get my college diploma. Well, on the counterpart, I also am stupid to fall for him. Haha,, I really don’t care whatsoever if he is enjoying the company of a girl he is dating. What I truly care about is what is yielding on him. Is that girl a good or bad influence on him? That I don’t know. But I had all the resources in the world, I would love to know.
These past few weeks of not seeing him, I heard that he hasn’t gone to church since July(that’s so sad :c). But he keeps his devotions properly by meeting the Lord every night (makimaki, thanks for the info). The girl he is dating is not a christian, and she is teegee’s cousin-but nonetheless, still not a believer. On this stuff, I am really bitter-sweet. Why? Because I remember our conversations regarding this ‘do-not-be-yolked-with-unbelievers’ thingy. He would say that he will run from it. But now, as I am seeing it, he is indulging in. I just hope he gets out of it before something serious happens.
Well, enough of that stuff :p
I pray that he will seek more of God, and that God will deal with him. And I hope that he listens well.
***
I am happy that the cardinals won their game versus the letran knights. It was really nail-biting, but God is good to give the win and to keep their desire alive to be in the final four this season. By the way, to makimaki and tonton: nice hair cut. Groom well!
***
What the?! Its so late already, I didn’t even noticed it. Well that’s it for me now. Hhhhhhhhhhmmmmm, I wish I should have brought anything home to study, so that my time would be used wisely. Well, I’ll try to go to mapua tomorrow to get some stuffs home.
Night.

!God is good all the time!