“Remember Oh God, all that I have done, and bless me for it…”
-Nehemiah
Hey, I am here again.. it’s been quite a long time since the last time I made a post in my site..well, what can I say? I feel really awkward these past few weeks, and if you are asking me…even I can’t explain it. Sige, like before, random thoughts ulit tau…
why is the quote, “the more things change, the more they stay the same,” seem like true to me na?
look, I have let go na…but hey, sabi ko nga sa recent post ko, I am still a human, and am still in-love with the same person. Together with that letting go process is the acceptance that there might never be a ‘vera p____l’ occurance, no more sweet nothings, no more early morning conversations, no more talk until you drop phone calls, and no more 6-footer protecting me, ever again (I hope not…). For, I think about a month or so, I really cried my eyeballs out, ung feeling na parang wala ng bukas para umiyak. Then, numerous of restless and sleepless nights came haunting me down. I really need to be very discreet in crying, in those days, coz my family might hear me, and I don’t want to be any kind of burden to them. I love them enough not to tell them that me and that guy’s days are all over. Until now, they are asking me wha’t up and what’s down regarding us. I just swallow and answer the safest that I can think, “uhm, okay naman po lahat mama…” pero ang totoo, hindi talaga okay coz there’s something wrong all along…
the more they stay the same,,,,shocks ang hirap pala talaga i-explain, but I hope you can get my point…:
In the month of mending and restoring, through God’s healing mighty power, I really had a tough time accepting everything—it’s basically like a culture shock for me. Cause, that was the first time, I really fell in-love with a Christian guy, then malalaman ko sa huli, kapareho lang siya nuing ibang guys jan. wala parin talagang kwenta ang lahat. Sige, nako lumalayo na ako sa point…balik tau ulit…pag let go ko, sumasaya na ako ulit. Then almost a month na ngayon, weekly he is texting and calling me again. But this time, I was not filled with joy in the occurrence. Fear ----that is what I am feeling now. Fear of failing again, fear of giving a piece of my heart away by hoping that he would love me again. It really seems like a big deal to me! Four straight weeks he is asking me to accompany him to my home church. Before kasi, talagang I was inviting him sa church, but he never was interested in going there naman. Tapus ngaun, parang nag-i-initiate pa siya na samahan ko siya sa church. It’s a good motive naman, kaya lang…it does still hurts! Just imagine with me, the fresh wound that was stitched by God’s hand is now being threatened to be unstitched because of that person’s doing.
And I have noticed that he is really doing ways to talk to me, like just for an instance----he texted me if I had hillsong dvds…if he could borrow one…eh we have common guy friends that are much more avid hillsong-nians than me noh…why borrow from me.
Isa pa, his teammate, Erwin ‘wency’ cornejo is my classmate in Mechanics, once we crossed paths sa canteen, and he just said awkwardly that “ui, hinahanap ka ni wency,” bigla ko nalang nasabi, “ah talaga..” then walked away. When I saw wency, sabi nya He was not looking for me naman daw.
Ano ba talaga ung taong yon? Ano bang gusto niyang mangyari,,,you know for three straight weeks, I really gave him reasons para lang hindi siya masamahan sa church….AYOKO na ulit masaktan…
I am so afraid, afraid of the unknown-----the unknown feelings he still possesses for me, until now. Time and my feelings are changing—but it seems like, as long as he is still around, clinging to me again, grasping onto my feet for a hold---everything stays the same…all the bitter and sweet memories..sometimes, I really hate reminiscing it once again.
It’s awkward to feel this way; I hope this would be over….coz the more I ponder about it…the more frightened I am becoming of being loved and left, after he says: “I AM DONE WITH YOU….”
I am still being a good and nice friend, but I hope one day—with all my might I could ask him, WHY he left, why he can’t wait, and why is he back…..
I am praying that he would try to compare me to his girl now, and say that: “si dotha hindi ganito mag-isip, namimiss ko siya kasi marami siyang nagagawa para sakin na hindi kayang gawin ni Jamie,,,sana hindi ko nalang iniwan si dotha…ang bait pa din niya, kahit madalas eh hindi ko siya iniintindi...pasensyosa siya, di katulad ni Jamie...”
Thy will be done Lord, don’t let me be bitter to guys again….
Monday, August 27, 2007
teka lang naman db?
